The Gift of Listening
This past week, I picked up our 3-year-old from daycare and, once we were buckled in and on the way, he volunteered this unprompted pearl from the backseat: “I like hot dogs!!! We had some for lunch.” It goes to show that you never know what a 3-year-old is going to say and I love listening to him.
One day though – months ago – when I picked up our 3-year-old from daycare, and we got buckled into the car and were on our way, he said, without being prompted: “I wasn’t a good listener today.” “Hmmmmm. . . Did someone tell you that you weren’t a good listener?” I asked. “Yes,” he said.
Now, I don’t know exactly when an appropriate age to start telling kids that they aren’t being good listeners might be. There are some who might say that 3 is too young an age for such things. But, I feel like it is important – at some point – to start learning how to be a good listener.
Even though I am nearly five decades beyond being 3-years-old, there are plenty of times when I could/should confess that I, too, haven’t been a good listener. Maybe you can relate.
At this point in the life of the world – and at this point in our nation’s history – it seems like everyone has a lot to say. Anyone with a phone camera can broadcast their words and ideas as far as the internet will carry them. I don’t know how many social media videos I’ve seen of people sitting in a car – or some other place – recording some monologue on their phone and sending it out into the world. There’s clearly a lot of material to listen to – from social media shorts to long-form podcasts. Some of you have recommended that I listen to podcasts and I have them in my queue, but I just don’t have several extra hours to spare, listening to them.
I do wonder. . . even if we did have the the time to listen to it all. . . with so many people talking at us, with so many words floating around, does it make us better listeners?
In a 2019 article from Psychology Today, Dr. David Bond writes that in times of heartbreak and strife, the act of being listened to by others, “deeply listened to”, helps to initiate the process of healing. Now, as Bond writes, not all listening is the same. The deepest kind of listening is known – in professional circles – as “explorative listening.”
. . . the goal is to simply be with another person where they’re at as they speak. Sounds easy, right? Not so much. It turns out this level of communication is much more difficult, and requires that we shed the template of responsive listening. In contrast, explorative listening is devoid of:
- Obligatory and expected specific informational exchange or problem solving
- Goals to be met by the end of the conversation
- Reflexive self-driven responses to the other’s exchanges
Research has defined this sort of listening in differing ways but the core features seem to be:
- Other-focus/temporary exclusion of the self in the process
- Use of verbal and nonverbal cues indicating attention, understanding, and nonjudgment
- Curiosity without judgment (empathic exploration)
–David Kyle Bond Ph.D. “The Art of Listening.”, Psychology Today, March 2019
Now, when was the last time you were able to listen to someone without trying to solve their problems, or insert yourself into their story, or listen without judgment? It’s hard to not do these things. It takes intention and practice. As Bond writes, though, it sends the message,
“I’m here. I’m with you. You can be how you are, and I’ll just go along with you.” What comes next is where the richness lies: in explorative listening, we move with the speaker past the vagaries of first-draft dialogue to what lies beneath. It’s not enough to hear that something at work was troubling – adept listeners are curious as to why this particular interaction ruffled the speaker so. . .”
In these fractured times, so many people are pretty good at talking about “what” is wrong with the world but aren’t given the chance to offer a “why.” Why do they feel the way they feel? It is the “why” that is the most interesting and, oftentimes, the most telling thing. As the poet Miller Williams once wrote,
Have compassion for everyone you meet,
even if they don’t want it. What seems conceit,
bad manners, or cynicism is always a sign
of things no ears have heard, no eyes have seen.
You do not know what wars are going on
down there where the spirit meets the bone.”
Oftentimes, getting to the “why” will reveal the wars that are going on down where the spirit meets the bone.
Explorative listening (also known as attentive listening or active listening) is an essential practice – much needed in times like these. You and I will encounter people who are dealing with a LOT of stuff even as we, ourselves, are dealing with a LOT. Everyone has some war or another going on down where the spirit meets the bone. Making time to simply let someone speak and attentively listening to them while setting ourselves aside is hard, but it can lead to healing. Do you have any idea what a gift it can be to hear someone say, “I don’t have any agenda for this conversation except to listen to you.”? It can make them feel valued, appreciated, and – quite simply – heard.
This is how ideological divides can be bridged, relationships can be healed, and reconciliation can take place. The question is, will we make the time and emotional space to offer our listening ears?
See you in church!
Grace and Peace,
John
—————
Prepare for Worship
This Week: “In Hope that Sends a Shining Ray. . .” (Eyewitness to Hope)
Read Matthew 17:1-9
Read 2 Peter 1:15-21
Read or sing Hymn # 193 – “Jesus, Take Us to the Mountain”